'Men are still quite reluctant to come forward and this is something we are trying to change’

A NAVAN based charity is proving a real lifeline to men across the country who are or who have experienced domestic abuse.

Men's Aid has its headquarter in St Anne's Resource Centre in Railway Street, Navan but provides a national helpline to men who experiencing domestic abuse or violence.

Domestic violence against men is a problem that often isn't recognised and men can be reluctant to come forward because of the taboos that still exist around the issue,

“Men are still reluctant to come forward and this is something we are trying to change,” says CEO, Shane Kelly.

“They feel embarrassed ashamed and are afraid they won't be believed.

“Then there are some men, and women too, who don't realise they are being abused because their partners are very good at gaslighting. The abusive partner can break down their confidence.

“Another reason they fear they won't be believed if that in most cases men are actually the perpetrators. We get lots of calls from women who have brothers or sons who are being abused.”

Shane says Men's Aid is the only organisation dedicated to supporting men who are suffering from domestic violence.

“We only work with men who are being abused, we do no work with abusers.

“Every situation is different. Men can be abused by their wives, female partners, LGBT partners, adult children, brothers or sisters.

“Coercive control is an insidious, well hidden way of abusing someone. The perpetrator breaks down your self confidence, demoralises you, controls your money, alienates you from friends, so you don't have a support system.

“People experiencing it, often don't realise it is happening, as it takes place slowly over a period of time.”

The Men's Aid Helpline is the first point of contact to Men's Aid services. “It is important that men realise they will be listened to, believed and supported. They will be given the time and understanding to talk about their experience in a safe confidential space,” Shane points out.

The helpline can be contacted directly but they also receive calls and referrals from GPs, medical professionals, social workers, teachers, Gardaí, workplaces, concerned friends and family members.

In 2023 they had 8,000 calls to the helpline, but around 1500 of those were directly from men who were being abused.

“All calls are confidential, you do not have to tell us your name or any personal details. That is your choice, we are here to help and support you,” Shane explains.

Men’s Aid provides one-on-one in-person counselling support for victim survivors of domestic violence, partner violence, familial abuse including coercive control. They currently have offices in Navan, Dundalk, Drogheda, Trim and Dolphins Barn in Dublin.

Their therapists are all fully trained psychotherapists and have additional years of experience and specialist training in the area of supporting male victim survivors of domestic violence including coercive control.

The service will also put callers in contact with peer support groups and provides information and advice on the law, including barring, safety and protection orders as well as on child custody. “One of the biggest fears men have is that they will lose their children,” says Shane.

In order to support a victim survivor of domestic abuse in the best possible way it is vital Men's Aid collaborates with the various fellow frontline organisations.

“We cultivate relationships with our colleagues across social work, housing, mental health, Gardaí, legal professionals, medical professionals, fellow NGO’s, court services, probation services, media, colleges, addiction services and suicide services. Everyone working together with a victim survivor focus.”

Among the people who have contacted the helpline over the years was a 66 year old father of four who had been a victim of abuse by his wife for 44 years.

The first time he was attacked was two months after they got married when she stabbed him and he ended up in hospital. All he wanted was want a life where he didn't feel afraid all the time.... “a life in which I can relax, a life where my wife loves me and doesn’t want to harm me.”

A 27 year old man explained that his relationship was not always a physically abusive relationship but it was emotional and it was awful. “What I mean is that my partner only got physical every couple of weeks. The emotional and psychological abuse was a daily, hourly thing. It was a help to know that Men’s Aid was out there and I could talk to someone who didn’t judge me and who believed me and gave me the information I needed to help me make the decision to break free from my partners abuse.”

The National headquarters of Men's Aid is in Navan, where it was set up 30 years ago as Amen, the name was later changed to Everyman before another change to Men's Aid. It is funded by Cuan, an agency under the remit of the Department of Justice and fund raising,

“Awareness is a big issue. We want to encourage men who are experiencing abuse to reach out and call our helpline on 01 554 3811. Know that you are not alone, we are here, standing by to offer assistance and help. If you leave a message, we will call you back from a withheld number and at a time that suits you”.

Cllr Eddie Fennessy recently visited the Men's Aid headquarters and met Shane. “Domestic abuse against men is viewed as a taboo subject and very rarely spoken about. The most common form I've encountered, is mental abuse. This is usually caused by restricting access to children.

“Men are often forced to undertake long and costly court actions to be given legal access to see their children. It is a very difficult process for all involved and in most cases, it could be resolved through mediation and dialogue.

“We are fortunate to have a service like Men's Aid operating in the community. In the first instance, a helpline service is available with a friendly ear and advice to anyone who needs assistance.

“Access to support groups, counselling services and court information appointments can also be arranged if required.

“If your a victim of domestic abuse and in need of assistance, my advice is to call the Men's Aid helpline. They have the skill sets required to put you on the right path.”