‘Death is our most neglected rite of passage’... Meet Meath's first death doula

Kay Kearns has had her fair share of heartbreak in her life including suffering the harrowing loss of her first child who was still born at full term. This followed the tragic death of her brother, Derek who was killed in a road traffic accident aged just 19 and the passing of her father, Martin from cancer.

Kay also had to watch on from outside a nursing home window as her mother, Margaret took her last breath in April 2020 when Covid restrictions forced families to be separated from their loved ones.

Having endured all these difficult life events, the Slane native felt she could help others through her own experiences and decided to become a professional death doula hosting Meath's first 'death cafe' last year.

Often referred to as death midwives, death doulas provide emotional and physical support for those tackling devastating end of life transitions. It comes amid the rapid growth of death cafes across the country, which offer a space for people to meet and discuss death over coffee and cake.

"The role is very similar to a birth doula, only they help you come into the world and we help you go out of it!" said Kay.

"Talking about death won't kill us but talking about death could empower us," she added.

"We need to put it on the agenda, it is not something to avoid at all costs."

Kay says she was inspired to go on this journey of helping people understand and accept death during her time supporting a close friend fulfil his last wishes.

"I had a friend who passed away from cancer and he had asked me to help him through the process," said Kay.

"What I didn't realise was that I was actually performing the role of a death doula but I didn't have that title at the time," she added.

"I thought, there is a message here for me. I am being presented with all sorts of different death experiences that I need to share with others."

Death is our most "neglected rite of passage" according to Kay who said:

"We put huge effort into communions, christenings, weddings and births and leave probably the most poignant one, our last rite of passage to medical professionals, funeral directors and grieving family members and friends. People who are often absolutely exhausted, plunged into grief and they are given a couple of days to come up with a ceremony that befits their loved one."

Kay was spurred on to train as a death doula and funeral celebrant saying she is determined to "break down the taboos" associated with dying.

"The responsibility of a death doula is to ensure a peaceful and comfortable transition for the individual approaching the end of life," said the Slane native.

"You provide companionship, you are a supportive presence actively listening to the concerns and needs of the person and or their families and friends.

"In some cases a person might decide that they want to have a living wake. You often hear people say I'd love to be at my own funeral so I can hear what they are saying about me, there's nothing to stop people gathering prior to the person dying and to be able to say this is what you meant to me during my life.

"You are helping the person that's dying find some acceptance but you are also helping the people who are left behind have the privilege to participate in a very moving ceremony that will give comfort in the months and years ahead."

The death doula also helps people fulfil their wishes of how they'd like to spend their final hours.

"Some people might say, 'I want to die at home and I want to be able to smell the lavender and I want to be able to feel the beach.' They may be at home in the bed and have absolutely no way of getting to the beach but you could bring the beach to them by playing sounds of the waves or place their hand in sand. You could have a pot of lavender in their room so as opposed to having tube and wires and loud noises in a hospital, they experience something really peaceful.

Other people may want to reconnect with an estranged family member before it's too late and I help them on that journey."

Kay points out that there was a much more holistic approach to death and the funeral process in bygone times.

"Years ago when we had grannies and granddads living with us and multi-generational houses, the neighbours would have come in when people were dying and they would have held vigils," she said.

"It wasn't unusual for women in the community to come around where there would be a whole ceremony around the washing of the body and preparing it to be taken away.

"Now they are taken away quick speed to the embalmers and back to the funeral home and everything is orchestrated. It is all at the industry's pace, it is not at the grieving family's pace. My role as a death doula is to give them back some ownership of that."

Sadly, Kay herself has had to go through the pain of losing close family members including her mum Margaret during the pandemic as she explains:

"My mother passed away in April 2020 During Covid. She had Alzheimer's Disease and was in a nursing home for about ten months.

"My mother and I had many conversations about death given our experiences and I told her that I would be there with her and would support her through it, hold her hand and mop her brow and through fault of any body, I had to stand outside her bedroom window and watch helplessly as she slipped away, in fear, alone and confused."

It wasn't the first time ex union official Kay had experienced tragedy after her brother, Derek, was killed in a road traffic accident in 1983 when he was just 19 and she was 20.

"He died in a car accident on the way back from Bettystown beach to Slane and our whole family was thrown in chaos," remembers Kay.

"Now I can look back and remember the good times but I was really angry when I was looking at that coffin going down into the grave and questioning why such a young person would have their life snuffed out so quickly like that. I'd be a little more philosophical about it today and say why not. None of us know when our time is up."

The Navan resident also sadly suffered the loss of her first born child in 1999.

"Unfortunately my son, Niall died in the womb and then I had to go through the trauma of having a silent birth," reflects Kay. "It was the most cruelest of births because everyone enjoys the sound of their baby crying. When my son was born, there was no noise at all in the delivery suite.

"I was involved in the trade union movement at the time and the nurses organisation were on the verge of having a dispute and the whole Dr Neary controversy had just kicked off.

"There was a trainee midwife who was attending her first still birth and while I was in the labour ward, HR called her to a meeting where they advised her that they wouldn't be renewing her contract.

"She was receiving that piece of news when she was attending her first still birth. I am the type of person that even though I was grief stricken and I knew that my son had died, I got into the caring role and was supporting her and she was saying this is wrong, I should be supporting you.

"All of that brought me to where I am today, I have an experience that may be of benefit to other people."

Kay who was one of the founders of Meath Women's Refuge and former chairperson of Navan Traveller's Workshop said she wished to contribute to the many conversations taking place at Death cafes nationwide hosting Navan's first 'Death Cafe' last year with another planned for next month.

"I was involved with community development over a number of years and I think there is something healthy about people sitting down and talking about things in a socially enjoyable setting," said Kay.

"I think there is an innate curiosity in people that seems to be awakening with all of the death cafes around the country, Europe and the world, " she added.

"Attending a death cafe and having conversations about death will actually encourage you to live your best life. We so have wonderful experiences in life and we need to appreciate them while we can.

"My loved ones won't have the burden of trying to figure out what way I wish my last significant life event to be and they won't have to plan it when they are grief stricken and heartbroken. All of that burden is taken off them and I have some say in how I leave this world. "

The next Death Cafe will take place on Wednesday 21st February at 7.30pm in James Fox Bar and Lounge