Paul Hopkins: Game, set and match, as big boys now cry

At the end of Roger Federer’s life as a professional tennis player — his final match the other week alongside rival Rafael Nadal, a tense 4-6, 7-6 11-9 loss — the 41-year-old finally succumbed to the emotional weight of the moment. And as the tears began to fall, alongside him Nadal wept too.

After 18 years of meeting each other on the court, contesting some of the fiercest battles in the biggest finals around the world, they spent the final moments of Federer’s career on the same side, emotionally speaking. Between 2004 and 2019, they faced each other 40 times in singles. Their excellence pushed men’s tennis, and each other, to huge heights, leading to what many consider a golden era when Novak Djokovic joined them, and they became the 'Big Three'.

Their rivalry has always been professional and friendly, but Federer and Nadal over time become increasingly close and in their final game, quite unexpectedly, were not afraid to show their true emotions.

Big boys aren't supposed to cry, right?

When it comes to processing emotions, traditionally [for want of a better word] there are different expectations for men and women. Women — and maybe wrongly — are viewed as 'sensitive'. In short, it’s socially acceptable for women to express their feelings, like sadness or fear. But men, who are seen as strong and fearless — particularly in the world of sport — are not encouraged, or expected, to outwardly express their emotions.

These cultural norms and gender stereotypes have been circulating for generations, and they can be toxic, especially for males. Men who express their emotions are (still) often seen as weak. Because of that, many men neglect to show their emotions because they’re afraid of the repercussions. However, suppressing emotions, I would suggest, can be detrimental to a man’s mental health.

My father’s generation — that born on the edge of the First World War — were not known for their tactility, their embraces or voicing their feelings — especially when it came to their sons. Such matters were better left unsaid; not acted upon, they reasoned, so that the boy might become the man.

From an early age, men were conditioned to believe that expressing their feelings was "out of character" with our view of "what it was to be male". Doing so could ruin their image of being strong and stoic — like my father, going out to work on his bike, clean shaven, and bringing home the bacon at the end of the day.

Specifically, men were told that crying in front of other people would threaten their masculinity.

The same can, or could, be said about mental health. Statistically, women are more likely to get diagnosed with depression or anxiety. However, men also deal with mental health disorders and mental distress. According to current Irish figures, 30% of men will experience a period of depression at some point during their lifetime, and about 9% of men report having feelings of depression or anxiety every day.

Just because men are told to hide their emotions, doesn’t mean they don’t have such.

In fact, men who experience sadness or grief are more likely to channel those feelings into different emotions that are seen as more socially acceptable. A man who is experiencing sadness or depression might be more likely to act aggressively or get angry over something small, rather than cry. My father was that 'angry man’ and all his life, wonderful as he was, he fought daily with mental and emotional demons.

Emotions traditionally associated with dominance or strength have been viewed as more masculine, even if the underlying emotion fuelling the behaviour is different. But when men are told to hide their emotions at all costs, those feelings have to go somewhere. Usually, they compensate by acting in a way that is more stereotypically masculine, often with tragic consequence as in Ireland's escalating cases of domestic violence.

Thankfully, today it's been long a given that there's a whole generation of the New Man out there. They use moisturiser, they stroke the cat, they have women friends, they make brown bread, and they clip their toenails on a regular basis. They also workout regularly and are conscious of diet and antioxidants (which had not been invented when I was younger), while still managing to appear virile and in charge.

And are so, so in touch with their emotions and not afraid to express them.

Like Roger Federer, to whom I wish a happy retirement