Meathman's Diary: My Budget cuts through the bulls**t
Every year Google keeps track of the most searched terms on the internet.
In both Ireland and the UK, the terms European Championships and the Premier League were one and two on the list respectively.
It doesn’t take a genius to predict that the 2022 chart will feature the Queen’s death, while the World Cup and the Premier League will also push it hard for the top spot.
While it may not challenge for the title, the term “budget” will surely be in with a good shout of making the champions league places on both sides of the Irish sea, with our long-awaited “cost of living budget” and their “ mini-budget” being the most talked about of their kind for years.
While ourselves and the Brits may be coming to terms with Pascal Donohoe and Kwasi Kwarteng's latest projections, a fiscal plan that will have wider-reaching consequences for the county is soon to be set out, in the Meath Chronicle's Bullshit Budget for 2023.
It’s a complex set of rules and procedures designed specifically to reduce bullshit emissions from 2023, the single greatest source of annoyance and which is backed by the ECB and IMF.
Leaked documents outline several drastic measures that are to be taken. One is the introduction of a 40% levy on people referring to British soccer teams in the first person plural i.e. talking about Arsenal and saying “we’re not playing well” or “Saka has been great for us”. You’re not from London, you’re not a millionaire athlete and you’re not part of a multi-billion American family dynasty, so exactly where the sense of identity comes from is a mystery.
Virtue signalling is set to come under severe pressure in the new-year, with a 52½ % VAT rate for those caught engaging in the practice.
A senior spokesperson in the department for Bullshit provided further clarification on the matter saying “inclusion on things like gender identity and race are vital for us but just because a person has sympathy for a cause, there is no need to plaster it all over your social media account, wear a badge or lecture your friends on the matter, unless you’re going to take concrete action on the matter.”
On the subject of social media, the department is also set to increase fines for those who post pictures of themselves on holiday on any platform to €1,000 per post.
Why does Mary think it’s ok to plaster pictures of her trip to Westport all over Instagram?
Nobody wants to see it. In other news people who are found to have to go to the gym or swim in the sea and not tell anyone are in line for a reduction in income tax as are vegans who don't force their dietary choices (metaphorically) down other people's throats.