‘By the time the men come to us, they have suffered so much abuse, they just can’t cope anymore’

Andrea McDermott has met them when they arrive into the Men's Aid Ireland premises located besides St Mary's Church, in Navan. She has sat down and talked to them, had a coffee or a cup of tea with them. Heard their harrowing tales of pain and suffering.

McDermott is the Social Care Team Leader with Men's Aid - the only dedicated national service supporting men and their families experiencing domestic violence including coercive control in Ireland. She will notice their downcast demeanour. That's something she can see at least but she knows too, from experience, that the deepest turmoil is going on inside them. That's something that can't be seen but it's there nonetheless. Real. Wounding.

She knows too that long before they took the decision to show up in the Navan centre they would have endured a world of suffering. 'They' are the men who are the victims of domestic abuse and they are hurting - and when they turn up at the Men's Aid centre, or call on the phone, they are looking for some guidance; some kind of redemption.

Covid restrictions means people can't call into the Men's Aid offices in Navan. However, McDermott and others who work with the only dedicated group in Ireland aimed at helping abused men, are continuing to provide a service using Zoom and those in need can be of all ages from 18 to 80 and beyond.

"By the time the men come to talk to us they have already gone through a lot of domestic abuse, many men have been going through it for years before they make the decision, they just can't cope anymore," she says.

"They would be in a very agitated state, very upset, upset for their children. They are worried about what the next step is. They are worried that they won't be believed. They are worried about the damage caused to their children, their children's mental health. By the time they come to us they have worried about all this for years - and thought about what they can do.

Men’s Aid Ireland Contact Phone Numbers: Confidential National Support Line: 01-5543811. General Office Queries: 01-5394277

"We outline their options, we listen and believe them because they might be six-foot-two and their partner might be five-foot and their big fear is that who is going to believe me that my partner hit me, that this much smaller person could be abusive to me. That's a big fear.

"They also have a big fear that if they are physically abused that their children will be taken away - once they say it out loud TUSLA is going to come in and take their children," she adds.

"When a man contacts us we tell him what his options are, what would he like to do, whether it's applying for a court order or seeking counselling. We will never tell a man what to do. We will never tell him that he has to leave because it's his life and it's his decision but we'll support him whatever he decides."

The abuse can start innocuously enough with a harsh word here and there; a command that carries an edge. Then, over time, it escalates.

VOLUNTEER

Andrea McDermott at one time worked as an office manager. Originally from Dublin she and her family settled in Drogheda and Andrea, seeing the need for help, started helping as a volunteer in a local women's and children's shelter. She became passionately involved in the work. She landed a job supporting abused women and children, she studied too in order to become a better support worker - social sciences, addiction, family law. She saw too the need that was there to help men who are domestically abused and moved into that sector.

She has worked professionally in supporting abused people for 12 years now, seven in the male-support sector, usually making her way from her home in Drogheda to the Men's Aid centre in Navan. Then Covid struck. While she is working online these days she is looking forward to the day when she can once more deal directly with men who need her and her colleagues' assistance.

Abuse, she knows, can be found in all kinds of nasty shapes, sizes and forms. A lot of men will tell us that the emotional abuse will damage them much more.

"It damages their mental health, it damages their spirit, their soul and to see it happen in front of their children it really, really affects them, and to see a parent being physically abused by another parent it affects the children too so men have a lot of concern around all that. A lot of people who contact us have seen the children's mother attack them. Because men have nowhere to go they are stuck with this kind of abuse everyday."

Andrea is one of a number of people based in the Men's Aid centre in Navan. There are the support workers like her who seek to provide the men with practical steps they can take as well as lending an emphatic ear. Then there are counsellors who seek to help in terms of healing wounded minds.

Men’s Aid Ireland Contact Phone Numbers: Confidential National Support Line: 01-5543811. General Office Queries: 01-5394277

Last year Men's Aid took over 5,500 calls from men nationally and in January this year alone the number was 746, with the bulk of the calls coming from Dublin and Meath. "We have a huge volume of men from the Meath area contacting us. I think that's basically because we are based in Meath, if we were based in Galway we would probably have a lot more from that county looking for us to help out."

Andrea McDermott says one in three women suffer domestic abuse and one in seven men. She also points to another startling statistic. "We find that's it's very difficult for men to come out and tell their story. Our statistics show that only five per cent of men ever report domestic abuse so that's 95 per cent of men who don't. The reason behind that is that is that there is a stigma attached to being a male victim."

CRISIS

It is well know how the pandemic has increased abuse inflicted on women and children. It is the same in relation to men. "We do have these horrific stories, we do have men who are obtaining barring orders in the Covid crisis. Since the lockdown also we've a lot more coming forward and using our helpline to get in contact with us because before lockdown men were able to go to work where they had maybe eight hours away from their abuser, or their partner was at work and they had a break.

"Throughout Covid they are in lockdown 24 hours-a-day so we found a lot of men contacting us looking for support. These are men in Meath who might be living in their cars, no longer in their homes, who escaped and who spent a few nights in their cars because we don't have a refuge for men in Meath. We don't have safe beds for men in Meath, or anywhere else in the country.

To help them deal with the harrowing stories they regularly hear the people who work with Men's Aid are themselves counselled. "I hear of human stories that will stay with me forever but we get supervision every month. I have a counsellor, a therapist I talk to especially if I have a tough day. I can ring him at any time and talk to him about what has happened. So I get that help every month to help us deal with these tough situations we encounter," she adds.

"We also have a fantastic team, they are great and I can talk to any member of that team if I have a bad day. I can phone a member of the other team and have a chat."

A mother herself Andrea recalls one particular story, one terrible tale told to her that left it's mark. "Some of the stories that would stay with me would be those involving children when they are abused. There was this man who was emotionally and mentally abused by his wife for years. He found his wife was abusing his son too.

"Before he went out to school she would tell the son how ugly he was, how he had spots on his face, that he should keep his head down and that other boys in the class are probably laughing at him. This was said to the boy eating breakfast, I had a son the same age at the time and it struck with me, the damage that can be done to a child."

The fathers also have their tales of woe. Their stories of deep-rooted pain and suffering which they look to grapple with when they walk into the Men's Aid in Navan - but there are so many others out there who clearly don't seek help. Who suffer on in silence.

Men’s Aid Ireland Contact Phone Numbers: Confidential National Support Line: 01-5543811. General Office Queries: 01-5394277